Title: Mobile Suit Report, Geriatric Wing!
Pairings: 2x5x2; 1x4x1; 6x3x6; C+H; R+D
Warnings: Yaoi; pudding; Viagra; Yuri; language; creamed peas
Notes: Written for StraightnCurly. The Rashid in the story, is not the Maguanac’s Rashid.
Disclaimer: Don’t own GW or Viagra. Just borrowing them for a while. Will returned unharmed, though they may be covered in pudding.
/thoughts/
“spoken”
~~~~~~~~~~~ = scene change
~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A.C. 257, Sanq Kingdom Retirement Community (Old Folks Home)
WuFei fiddled with the controls for a moment before glancing over at his companions. “You boys ready for this?” Two nods and a soft grunt later, he turned to their fifth partner, who was watching for any sign of their enemies.
“Coast is clear. Go for it.” Quatre stepped back into the room as three wheelchairs and a walker propelled the former pilots toward their destination. Their mission today: Rescue the precious supply of vanilla and chocolate pudding cups from the rest home’s cafeteria before the Evil Relena Granny and her cohorts (Dorothy, Hilde and Cathrin) could eat all of them.
Trowa started humming the Mission Impossible theme as he easily overtook the other wheelchair bound pilots. WuFei glared at the other man as he passed him. “Dammit Barton! They’re going to hear you.”
“Stop yelling, Fei. You know he’s stone deaf.”
WuFei turned to his long time lover. “Huh? Did you say something, Maxwell?”
Heero rolled his eyes as he moved to catch up to the banged one. Of the three wheelchair bound pilots, Trowa still had the most physical strength, while Heero had toyed with his electrical wheelchair so that it now went a whole 15 mph. And he even had the speeding ticket to prove it. WuFei’s on the other hand, even though it was electric, was so slow no matter how much they worked on it, that he never got faster than Duo (who refused to use a wheelchair) could walk. Quatre was the only one of them that was still able to walk on his own. As they rounded the last corner to the cafeteria, Heero stopped, grabbing Trowa by the shoulder.
There in front of them, was the last obstacle to their success. Zechs was sleeping in front of the cafeteria doors, his cane leaning up against his chair. Ever since this little ‘battle’ between them and Relena had started, Zechs often took his afternoon naps in front of the cafeteria. Heero was sure the blonde (from a bottle, now) was bribing him, but was never able to prove it. That is, until he was able to convince Quatre to plant a surveillance camera in the other man’s room. He now had the evidence to use against the white-haired man: pictures of him eating pilfered puddings after lights out. Trowa had been appalled that the older man hadn’t shared them with him and had eagerly consented to help (after they had written their plan out for him, in detail). He had also requested that certain pictures of him and his lover be turned over to him after the mission was completed.
Trowa nodded, knowing the plan they had worked out after breakfast that morning. He waited until Heero was hidden in the hallway before grabbing Zech’s cane and lightly tapping him on the head with it. “Hey, blondie. Wake up.”
Zechs opened his eyes after the second time he was hit with the cane and glared lightly at the other man. “What do you want, Barton?” Whap! “Ow! Barton! What the HELL DO YOU WANT!?”
Trowa grinned at the other man and handed him back his cane. “I’ve got a proposition for you.”
“I’m not helping your friends.”
“I wasn’t going to involve them, but if you want, I’m sure we could get Quatre and Heero to join us.”
“I said, I’m not .... what do you mean, join us? You’re not planning another picnic in the park, are you?” Zechs asked, the slightest hint of fear in his voice.
“No, I don’t think Maxwell can bark. But I’ll make sure I ask WuFei the next time I see him.”
Zechs rolled his eyes. “I knew spending all those years as the ‘Human Cannonball’ wasn’t good for him,” he replied quietly. He cleared his throat and leaned closer to his lover. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be helping your friends plan their next little raid?”
“No, Duo still won’t cut the braid.” Trowa grinned as he pulled a small bottle and a picture from his pocket and tossed them to the other man. “But enough talk about the others. I was thinking that we could skip dinner and have dessert in our room.”
Zechs’ eyes grew wide and he quickly hid the bottle. Upon seeing the picture, his face turned slightly red. “You know we could get thrown out of here if they find those, don’t you?” He glanced up to realize the other man hadn’t heard him and sighed, deciding that whatever his lover had in mind was better than standing here arguing about it. “Forget it.” He got to his feet, as quickly as he could and motioned for the other man to lead on.
Heero smirked once they had passed his hallway. /I’m definitely going to have to ask him later what he meant by Quatre and I joining him. He must have meant for tea, although ... that look on Zechs’ face was definitely not caused by thoughts of tea bags./ He shrugged, wincing as his arthritis kicked in. Mumbling in his native language, he moved his chair to the doors of the cafeteria, carefully peeking inside to make sure the staff wasn’t watching. When he was sure they were all busy with something else, he started toward the kitchen, glad that Quatre had helped him soundproof the chair last night. Although, the blonde seemed to have had his mind on something else most of the night, Heero had never been quite sure what. Then again, he wasn’t really sure what he had had for breakfast, either.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, he quickly spotted his prize - three cases of pudding: one chocolate, one vanilla and the other swirl. /Ninmu kanryou./
~~~~~~~~~~~
Duo smirked as Trowa came speeding past them, and a few moments later, Zechs hobbled along after him. Once he spotted the braided American, he stopped. “Shit. Relena’s gonna kill me.”
WuFei grinned. “I wouldn’t worry about that right now. Trowa took one of those little pill things with his vitamins earlier.”
As Zechs started after his love at a quickened pace, Duo turned back to the other man. “Pills? Did the docs put Tro-man on more meds?”
WuFei shook his head, the grin still evident. “Nope. Those are from Quatre’s private stockpile. He’s had more shipped in, but he had to hide them.”
“Lemme guess ... in the pudding crates?” A nod. “No wonder he’s been so antsy to get the pudding. I thought he just wanted to you know, cover Heero in it.”
“Duo ... quit giving my libido more ideas.” WuFei smirked as they rounded the corner and saw the cafeteria. He checked his watch and motioned for the other man to be quiet. If things had gone well, Heero should be coming out of the kitchen at any moment. Which meant that Relena and her estrogen deprived cronies wouldn’t be too far away. If they were lucky, they could get away before ...
“DUO!”
/Nope. Too late. Time for ‘Plan B’./ Duo turned around, smiling at Hilde. “Hey babe. What are you doing here? Is it dinner time already?”
“We know why you’re here, Maxwell. And we’re not letting you get away with it,” Relena replied. She glared at WuFei, her nose smugly stuck up in the air, since she hadn’t been in a wheelchair since she had her hip replaced. “Those desserts are for all of us. Not just for you pilots and your sick twisted ideas.”
Behind her, Dorothy coughed, causing the former ‘Queen-of-the-World’ to blush lightly. Duo grinned, not missing the blush. “Oh, so we’re sick and twisted now? Funny, last week you came to me asking how to get pudding stains out of sheets so that staff wouldn’t catch you.” This time, both women turned red while the Hilde started snickering.
Cathrin, on the other hand, was nearly as deaf as her brother, thanks, they had found, to a genetic defect passed down from their mother’s side. She just watched the others’ reactions, then turned to Hilde. “What?”
“I’ll explain later,” Hilde replied between giggles. When the other woman questioned her again, she took her by the arm and started back to their room. Moments later, the group in the hallway could hear the former redhead laughing.
Relena, her face still red, huffed at the two men and walked to the cafeteria. “See if I ever come to you for anything else. And you can forget about that shampoo I promised you. That ridiculous braid can just rot off for all I care.” She opened the door without looking, slamming it into someone on the other side. She glanced down to see one of the cooks, covered in lunch, glaring at her from the floor. “Rashid! I’m so sorry. Here, let us help you.”
She and Dorothy each took an arm, trying to lift the larger man to his feet. As they pulled, Dorothy slipped in the creamed peas, falling on top of the other two. She wasn’t sure but she thought she heard the taller man mumbling something along the lines of “Allah, help me.”
WuFei smirked when he heard the commotion in the kitchen. “Sounds like the bleach blondes are gonna have fun getting that out of their hair.”
“Nah, they’ll just ... on second thought, after finding out about the pudding, I don’t want to know,” Duo replied. He went over to the door and looked down the adjoining hallway. “Ah, here he comes.”
Heero came speeding by them, close to the wheelchair’s top speed. He flashed them a victory sign as he rounded the corner back to their rooms. Duo sighed. “Looks like it’s our turn.” He opened the cafeteria door, chuckling slightly at the sight of the blondes nearly molesting the young man beneath them. “See, I told you, ‘Fei. They were in such a hurry, I knew they had to be up to something.”
“How dishonorable. He’s less than a third your age, Ms. Peacecraft.” WuFei winked at the blondes as the rest of the kitchen staff came out to investigate.
Several of them helped pull the traumatized young man out from under the two women, while others helped them to their feet. As they did, they didn’t notice the pudding cup that WuFei dropped on to the floor next to their feet.
“What’s going on here?” The head of staff appeared from the kitchen, glaring at the two women. “Ah, I see. Trying to make your getaway with yet another load of pudding cups, I see.”
Relena looked shocked. “What? We didn’t -- Duo and WuFei are the ones that tried to steal the pudding cups.”
Duo snorted. “Do I look like I have pudding cups on me? Oh, I know, I guess I’m hiding them in my braid, huh?”
The head of staff, a very stern Mariemaia (who had obviously spent way too much time around Une), walked over to the group and was about to say something when she stepped on one of the pudding cups. Chocolate pudding squished all over the shoes of the group. “Ah ha! I knew it was the two of you. And I’ll bet your other cronies have already hidden the rest of them. I’ve already warned you twice, Ms. Peacecraft, Ms. Catalonia. This is enough to get you thrown out of here. And don’t start that, ‘I’m a princess’ crap with me, Aunt ‘Lena. It didn’t work before and it certainly won’t work now.” She motioned for two of the orderlies to come and take the two women back to their room.
Once they were gone, she turned to the two ex-pilots. “Thanks for the info. guys, we’ve been trying to catch them for months. But apparently she learned a lot more than diplomacy from working for the government.” She turned to someone to ask them to clean the pudding and peas off the floor and to make sure that Rashid was paid double for the day. After a moment, she turned back to the pilots as they left the room. “Oh, and tell Quatre that we appreciate his cooperation with the extra pudding shipments.”
The two pilots nodded and Mariemaia thought she saw an odd smirk in the Chinese man’s eyes. /Sometimes I just DON’T want to know./
~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometime later, three former pilots sat in the small apartment-like suite shared by Heero and Quatre. “Where is he? I want pudding!”
Heero looked at WuFei in confusion. “You didn’t tell him?”
“What?” WuFei looked at the Japanese man and adjusted the volume on his hearing aid. “No, I haven’t sold him. No one would buy him.”
Duo looked hurt and mock pouted in the Chinese man’s direction. “That hurt, ‘Fei.”
WuFei shrugged. “It’s true. The price I set was too high. Only Winner could afford it. But he said that it would bankrupt the company.”
Heero smirked at the other Asian man as Duo suddenly glomped him. “Good one, Chang. But you still didn’t tell him.”
“He doesn’t have to,” Quatre replied, walking back into the room. He placed a bag into the Chinese man’s lap. “That will have to do for now. I’ll bring more over after lights out. I left Trowa and Zechs’ bag in their living room. From the sounds of it, they didn’t really want anyone coming in to their bedroom.”
Duo looked at his friends in confusion. “I don’t get it. I thought their bedroom had been quieter than Relena’s lately. From what Trowa said, Zechs has been having problems with his self-proclaimed ‘Old Faithful’.”
“‘Old’ is right,” Heero replied. “But I do believe it is ‘Faithful’ once more. Thanks to Quatre’s scientists.”
“They didn’t come up with it. They just bought the patent and fixed the problems.” Quatre grinned at the braided pilot. “Remember that vitamin I had you take before we invaded enemy territory?”
Duo nodded hesitantly, not sure what the other man was talking about. “Do you mean that little blue...”
The blonde nodded. "'Winner Enterprises All-Natural Viagra. Makes you the Winner all the time'."
Duo looked at his lover and grinned. “So that’s what you didn’t tell me? I thought something seemed different. Why don’t we go back to our room and leave these two love-birds alone? I suddenly have a craving for Chinese and pudding.”
WuFei grinned, hiding the bag under the blanket he had placed on his lap to hide the ‘vitamin’s’ effects. “Me too.” He winked to the Arabian as he followed the American out of the room. “Although, I was thinking more along the lines of an All-American foot long. Any idea where I can find one of those?”
“Think we should tell them that Trowa’s wasn’t the only room that we placed cameras in?” Quatre asked sweetly.
Heero shook his head and pulled the blonde into his lap. “Nah. It’ll be more fun to use it as blackmail. Now, where’s that pudding?”
