Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Dracula. They are only being used for this story and will be returned unharmed. (Well, except for maybe Relena j/k.)
Notes: After reading MaliQuin’s ‘Quatre: The Blondest Vampire’ and watching Mel Brooks’ ‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’, I was inspired to write this. I’m telling you, for your own sanity, run away while you still can. It is Alternate Universe, script style, and the characters are meant to be totally OOC. Actions are contained in []. Dialogue follows the characters name. * = Not in the original cast. Comments and Criticisms welcomed. Flames will be fed to my pet alligator, Fluffy.
Warnings: Language; Violence; Relena Torture; Yaoi; Yuri; Blood; Wooden Stakes; Crosses; Rats; Bugs; More Blood; VIS’s (Vampires in Spandex); Psychobabble; Um, did I mention Blood?
CAST
Dracula / Count Dracul..................................Heero Yuy
Duo Murray / Elisabeta...................Duo Maxwell
WuFei Harker ..........................WuFei Chang
Quatre Van Helsing..................Quatre R. Winner
Dr. Sally Seward.....................Sally Po
Lord Treize Holmwood......................Treize Kushrenada
Relena Westenra............................Relena Peacecraft
T. B. Renfield..............................Trowa Barton
Milliard Westenra *..................Zechs Merquise
[Scene i - Int. Study - Relena & Zechs’ family home]
[There is a white casket in the center of the room. The body is of a young woman, RELENA. She is very pale and dressed in a white gown.]
[Cut to MOURNERS, incl. DUO, Relena‘s best friend; WUFEI, Duo’s fiance; QUATRE, renowned philosopher and doctor of rare diseases, and ZECHS, Relena’s elder brother; among others]
DUO [Heavy British Accent] : Poor Lucy [Loses accent] ... er, Relena.
WUFEI: What do you think she died of, doctor?
QUATRE: Well, it may just be my opinion, but the reviews from the show were -- [sweatdrop] Heh. Never mind. [Fake British Accent] I can’t be sure, but I think it was a blood disease.
RELENA [From Coffin]: I can tell you what killed me.
D: Shut up, Relena. You’re supposed to be dead.
R: Undead, actually.
Q [Coughs to get everyone’s attention. Loses accent.]: As I was saying ... Her symptoms indicate a rare blood disease. Without an autopsy, I can’t be more certain.
ZECHS: Absolutely not. My family will not allow it. [Leads others away from coffin.] Frankly, were glad she’s gone.
D: [Nods] I’m glad she’s gone, too.
R: I’m undead, not deaf, you guys.
VOICE #1 [From Offstage]: Cut. On to Scene ii.
[Exeunt ALL. The coffin remains in the center of the room as the lights go out.]
R: Guys? Um, hello? Can someone get me out of here?!
[Cut to Scene ii]
[Scene ii - Int. sitting room.]
[Zechs, Quatre and WuFei are sitting around a small table, drinking brandy.]
Q: If you don’t, you’ll be condemning her to a fate worse than death. Just ask Dr. Seward. ... Um, where is Dr. Seward?
[SALLY PO, dressed in surgical scrubs, walks in]
SALLY: Sorry. The ‘undead’ had to be sedated. Where are we?
Z: Quatre wants us to chop Relena’s head off. Although I’m not totally opposed to the idea, I’m supposed to pretend I am.
S: Ah, right. [Sips brandy then looks at Quatre.] And what reason do you have to want to chop her head off? She died of a blood disease.
Q: She’s not dead.
W: You mean we buried her alive?
Q: No, no, no. She’s not dead. She’s not alive. She’s undead.
S: Undead?
Z: Do you mean like these ‘vampires’ you keep talking about?
Q: You got it. And we have to chop her head off before she comes back here and kills us all.
[Several moments of silence as Sally, WuFei and Zechs think about Quatre’s plan.]
ALL: Ok. Sure. Why not?
[Cut to Scene iii]
[Scene iii - Int. Duo’s bedroom]
[A young lady, er, man, is sitting on the bed, DUO, is brushing his long hair.]
D: ... 79 ... 80 ... Poor Relena. [Snickers] ... 82 ... And to think she died before the wedding. Now I’ll have to ... 85 ... find a new Maid of Honor ... yeah, right ...
VOICE #2 [From Outside. Monotone.]: Duo ...
D: ... 88 ... 89 ... 90 ...
V#2: Duo ...
D: Huh? What the ...
V#2: Duo ...
[Duo drops the hairbrush and walks over to the French Doors. After several moments of struggling, he steps back and glares at the door.]
D: Damnit, Fei. [Pulls at padlock and chain. Reaches under the bed and pulls out mini scythe which he then uses to cut through padlock.] Ha!
V#2: Duo ...
D: Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on, I’m coming. [Opens door.] Heh.
HEERO [From garden. Still monotone.]: Duo ... Omae o korosu.
D: [Whispers.] Wrong line, Yuy.
H: Hn. [Looks thoughtful.] Come to me, Duo.
D [Sarcastically]: Well, that’s romantic.
[HEERO walks up to Duo and picks him up. Throws him over shoulder and carries him toward nearby abbey.]
H: You will come with me and become my bride.
D: Could you say it with a little feeling, so a guy doesn’t get the impression you do this all the time?
H: Hn.
D: Just asking. [Faints.]
[Cut to Scene iv]
[Scene iv - Westenra Family Mausoleum]
[Zechs, Quatre, WuFei and Sally are playing cards on the top of Relena’s crypt. Sally appears to be winning, as she has a large stack of poker chips in front of her and the men are in varying degrees of undress.]
S: Straight Flush.
Z: Again?!
W: Impossible!
Q: Royal Flush! You lose Doc.
[Quatre gathers his chips as the others begin to remove articles of clothing. Suddenly, there is a noise from offstage. WuFei, clad only in boxers, sighs in relief and gathers his clothes.]
W [Quietly]: Someone’s coming. Everyone hide!
[VAMPIRE HUNTERS hide as a figure dressed all in white glides into the mausoleum. Relena trips over one of Quatre’s shoes and falls flat on her face.]
R: Damnit! I thought the undead were supposed to be graceful! [Picks up shoe and looks around the tomb.] Fee Fie Foe Fum, I smell the blood of an Arabian.
[Massive sweatdrop.]
V#1: Wrong story, Relena.
R [Makes face at ceiling. Stands and walks back to her crypt.] It’s getting so a girl can’t even get a good day’s rest anymore.
[Crypt closes and Vampire Hunters come out of hiding.]
Q [Whispers]: Ok, now all we have to do is open the crypt, drive the stake through her heart, then chop off her head and she won’t bother us anymore.
Z [Whispers]: Are you so sure about that?
W [Whispers]: I brought silver bullets, just in case.
S [Whispers]: And Holy Water. [Normal Voice] Why are we all whispering? She can’t hear us through all that stone.
R [In Crypt.]: Oh? Are you so sure about that, Missy?
ALL: [Sweatdrop]
[Quatre and WuFei move the lid off the crypt and open the casket. Inside, Relena is sleeping, her face covered in blood and her skin color normal.]
Z: Why do I have to do it?
Q: Because it has to be done by someone that loved her.
Z: But she was my sister, I only barely liked her.
ALL [Shrugs]: Close enough.
[Zechs places the stake over her heart and raises the hammer above his head ...
... We’re sorry, but due to the graphic nature of this scene, it has been cut so as not to offend the younger readers. Thank you ...
... drips to the floor. Quatre and WuFei, both, now completely covered in blood, close the casket then wipe the red liquid from their faces. Sally steps out from behind column, completely clean and hands towels to the others. Zechs drops the axe and begins to blot blood from hair.]
Z: This had better not stain. It took me forever to get my hair this color.
ALL: [Sweatdrop]
[Cut to Scene v]
[Scene v - Duo’s Bedroom - Morning]
[WuFei knocks, then enters without waiting for reply.]
W: Maxwell, what are you still doing in bed? It’s half past seven already.
D [From under the covers.]: Omae o korosu. [Which sounded something like: Obey the Pikachu]
W [Sweatdrops]: Come on, Duo. It’s time to get up and eat breakfast. We have a lot to do today, like getting fitted for tuxes, approving the guest list, arranging to have Relena’s crypt cleaned and sandblasted. Oh, and I promised you’d help Zechs with his hair.
D: Whaf’s wromb wib mis mair?
W: Oh, nothing. He just got some blo--uh, red dye in it last night and it won’t come out.
[Duo sits up in bed. He is pale and his hair is tangled beyond belief. He is wearing a green turtleneck. WuFei sees him and screams, collapsing into a chair.]
D [Shrugs]: There’s no need to be melodramatic, Fei. [Climbs out of bed and disappears into bathroom.]
[Door opens and Sally walks in. Picks up WuFei’s wrist, nods, then drops it. Duo comes out of the bathroom, now dressed in a black leather outfit with a red shirt. He‘s brushing the last of the tangles from his hair.]
D: What’s wrong with him?
S: Who knows? [Slaps WuFei.] Get up, lover boy. You can rest later.
W [Looks at Sally blankly]: But he ... I ... never mind.
[Duo and Sally look at each other and shrug. Duo pulls WuFei to his feet and leads him out of the room.]
