Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or Dracula. They are only being used for this story and will be returned unharmed.
Notes: After reading MaliQuin’s ‘Quatre: The Blondest Vampire’ and watching Mel Brooks’ ‘Dracula: Dead and Loving It’, I was inspired to write this. I’m telling you, for your own sanity, run away while you still can. It is Alternate Universe, script style, and the characters are meant to be totally OOC. Actions are contained in []. Dialogue follows the characters name. * = Not in the original cast. Comments and Criticisms welcomed. Flames will be fed to my pet alligator, Fluffy.
[Scene i - Breakfast Room - Morning]
[Quatre, Zechs and TREIZE are seated at table. Breakfast is laid out on the sidebar. The servants are awaiting the arrival of the others to begin serving.]
TREIZE: It really is a shame about your sister, Milliard. I was so looking forward to ... do I have to say this?
Z: Yes, Treize.
T [Sighs]: Fine. [Sarcastically] I was so looking forward to seeing her this weekend. [Thinks for a moment then grins at Zechs.] But since she’s out of the way, why don’t the two of us make the most of it?
Z: Sounds like a good idea to me.
Q [Coughs]: Later, you two. [Stands as Duo, Sally and WuFei walk into the room.] Good morning. Miss-- Duo ... are you feeling alright, today? You look a little pale.
D: I’m fine, Q-man. Don’t worry about it. [Sits beside Treize and finishes braiding his hair.] We missed you at the funeral yesterday, Lord Treize.
T: Ah, yes. I had some things I had to take care of. Business, you know. Couldn’t get away. She had the ropes too tight.
[BUTLER (RASHID) enters, carrying a small tray with two cards on it.]
RASHID: A Count Dracul and a Mr. T. B. Renfield to see you, Lord Westenra.
[No one moves.]
Q [Whispers]: Zechs, that’s you.
Z: Oh. [Sweatdrop] Show them in, Rashid.
[Rashid rolls eyes and leaves the room. A few moments later, he returns followed by TROWA, dressed in a black suit, and Heero, who is wearing a black cape that covers most of his body and wardrobe.]
Rashid: Count Dracul and his aide, Mr. Renfield.
[Duo chokes on his orange juice as soon as he sees Heero. Zechs stands and extends a hand to the newcomers. Trowa shakes his hand as Heero stares at Duo.]
T.B.: Good morning, Lord Westenra. we are sorry to have disturbed you at home.
Z: That‘s all right. How can we help you, gentlemen?
T.B.: We heard that you were interested in selling part of your land. My employer, Count Dracul, has recently moved here and would like to buy it.
T: Where is your employer from, Mr. Renfield?
H [Monotone]: Transylvania.
[Quatre, Sally and Zechs exchange glances. Treize has his eyes glued to Zechs. Duo is staring at Heero. WuFei is staring at Duo. Trowa is staring at Quatre.]
Q: Transylvania? Isn’t that in [Realizes Trowa is staring at him. Blushes.] ... Romania?
T.B.: Yes, it is.
Z: Well, would you gentlemen care to join us for breakfast? We were just about to eat.
H: No, thank you. [Turns to Zechs.] We have already dined this morning. Perhaps your and your family would care to join us for dinner this evening?
Z: Uh ... sure. We would be glad to join you for dinner. Right, guys?
Q: Sure.
D: Yeah.
T: Whatever.
W: If we have to.
S: Sorry, I have plans.
T.B.: We’re sorry to hear that doctor. [Bows slightly.] Until tonight, gentlemen.
[Trowa and Heero leave. Sally, WuFei and Treize stare at the other three.]
W: Well. Maybe we should eat. What do you say, guys? Guys?
Q [Jumps slightly and turns to WuFei.]: Sure.
S: WuFei’s right. [Glances at WuFei and Duo.] And then you two have some more wedding planning to do, if I’m not mistaken.
W: Yes, we [Glances at Duo, who is still staring at the doorway.] do. Duo? Duo? What are you looking at?
D [Quietly, then louder.]: Blue eyes ... um, I mean ... nothing.
Z: Let’s eat then.
Q [Stares at food as Rashid serves.]: Actually, I’m not hungry. I think I’ll ... go for a walk. [Leaves.]
T: What’s gotten into him?
W: Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to serve pancakes with strawberry syrup?
[Sally, Zechs and WuFei start to turn green. Duo eats quickly.]
T: Mr. Murray, if you continue to eat like that, you’ll make yourself sick.
[Sally and WuFei hurriedly leave the room. Zechs quickly downs his orange juice then hides his face behind his napkin.]
D [Shrugs]: I’m hungry. Feel like I haven’t eaten in days. I wonder what’s gotten into them.
[Treize shrugs and continues eating.]
Z [Motions to Rashid.]: I think we had better cancel the T-bones for lunch. And bring me a bottle of scotch. A very LARGE bottle.
[Cut to Scene ii]
[Scene ii - Count Dracul‘s Mansion - Evening]
[Heero and Trowa are sitting in a dark room with their only light source being candles. They are sitting across from each other and concentrating intently on something spread out on the table between them. Heero‘s cape is gone and we can now see what he‘s wearing; tight-fitting black pants and a white minstrel’s shirt (poofy sleeves, big collar, ruffles, etc.).]
T.B.[Studies the objects in his hand for several moments.]: Do you have any sevens?
H: Hn. Go fish.
T.B. [Draws a card from the ‘pond’ and looks at his hand.]: Why are you so interested in the braided boy? [Lays down three sevens.]
H: I could ask you the same about the blond. Any queens?
T.B. [Hands a card to Heero and shrugs.]: He looks familiar. Aces?
H: Hn. [Hands two cards to Trowa.] Duo ... reminds me of ... someone.
T.B. [Lays down the last of his cards and looks at Heero.]: You mean Elisabeta? Strange that she would come back as a man. And such a cute one, too.
H: Karma sucks. [Picks up the deck of cards and starts shuffling.]
T.B.[Shrugs]: So do you.
H [Pauses to think for a moment, then glares at Trowa.] [Dryly.]: Ha. Ha.
[SERVANT appears and places two glasses of brandy on the edge of the table. Trowa picks up the closest glass and stares at it as SERVANT leaves.]
T.B.: Why two glasses?
H: To make our guests feel comfortable. [Motions to gas lamps as they flare to life.] They should be here soon. Shouldn’t you change?
T.B.: Why? I wasn’t aware that tonight was a formal affair.
H: It’s not. [Stands and walks to window.] But Blondie has already seen you in that suit. [Catches pillow aimed for his head.]
[Cut to Scene iii]
[Scene iii - Sitting Room - Westenra Manor]
[Duo and WuFei are seated on a sofa near the window. Quatre is kneeling by the fireplace, tending the fire.]
D: Where are they? What could be taking-- on second thought, I don’t want to know. [Scratches at the collar of the shirt he is wearing.]
W [Nods.]: I agree. Why don’t we just go? They can meet us there when they’re ready.
[Treize and Zechs walk into the room, flushed and slightly rumpled.]
Z: You’re not going to leave without us, are you? [Mock pouts.]
D: We thought about it. The two of you were gone so long, I was beginning to think we needed to send a rescue party. [Scratches then readjusts collar.]
W: I’m sure Lady Une would have found you.
T [Squeaks and hides behind Zechs.]: No, no. Anyone but her.
Q [Chuckles]: Don’t worry, Treize. She’s one of the last people WuFei would call. But now that the two of you are ready, let us go meet the new neighbor.
D [In his best Quatre voice.]: And his extremely cute aide. [Quatre blushes while the other three laugh.] Ah, Q-man. Don’t worry. I, Duo Maxw--Murray, shall do my best to find you the love of your life. And since we’re on our way to his house for dinner, that should be rather easy. [Readjusts collar, again.] Damn suit.
Q: I just hope we don’t end up AS dinner.
Z: Aw, come on, Van Helsing. You know you’d enjoy it if he did try to eat you.
[Quatre blushes even more and runs out of the room, holding his bleeding nose. Duo and Zechs laugh uncontrollably. WuFei and Treize look like they are trying to hold back their laughter and nosebleeds at the same time.]
[Rashid enters.]
Rashid: Sir, Count Dracul has sent a carriage for you. Shall I inform him that Dr. Van Helsing will not be joining you?
D: By all means, no, good man. The doctor is just [Snicker] freshening up before we leave.
Z [Trying to control his laughter.]: Please inform the driver we will be there momentarily. [Rashid bows and leaves the room.] If the count is a vampire, I doubt he’ll be having anything Arabian on the menu tonight.
W: Vampire or not, I think this Mr. Renfield will beat him to it.
[Quatre enters, holding his head back and pinching his nose closed. Duo takes his free arm and leads him out to the carriage.]
D: Come along, Doctor. You have a house call to make.
Rashid [Watches the five young men as they leave the manor. He then walks to where the rest of the staff is resting and grins.]: Last one in the pool has to help Master Duo with the wedding plans AND Master WuFei‘s birthday party. [Sounds of several dozen feet running, followed by splashing.] Damn. Did I forget to tell Ahmad?
[End of Act Two]
[Preview of Act Three]
[Int. - Dracul’s Mansion - Evening]
ALL: DUO!!!!!
D: What? I’m telling you that that ...that ...that ... thing looks like Barney!
